Rheumatology Appointment

Tomorrow is first appointment with rheumatology. I'm equally afraid of being given a "diagnosis" and of being told they don't know what's wrong with me. The pain in my hips started 10 years ago, but I minimized and ignored it for a long time. Back in Texas the doctor told me I had bursitis in both hips and gave me cortisone shots with giant, scary needles directly into my hip joints. The last time they did that, the hit a nerve and I was in excruciating pain for more than a week after.

When I finally went to the doctor here, at The Mr.'s urging, I was sent to physical therapy and "diagnosed" as OBESE. Losing weight seemed to be the only thing that mattered to my doctor. After 2 sessions of PT, I was told that the pain was clearly too bad to continue the basic exercises she wanted me to do.

It was only when I told my doctor that my daughter had similar pain and rheumatoid indicators that she sent for additional blood work for me. I almost wish we didn't have the access to the results that we do. One of the tests came back at such an elevated level that I was marked as "severe cardiac risk." It explained the difficulty I had getting through jazzercise without seeing stars that led me to stop going. It's given me a way to rationalized and not beat myself up so badly over my inability to do things like roller skate (which I LOVE and is low-impact) for more than 15 minutes before I start to get dizzy and sweat profusely. It makes me less guilty over how out of breath I am whenever I come home and climb the stairs to the apartment.

It's a relief in one way to know there's a reason for how I feel, but I wonder if it's a chicken or egg situation. Did I gain this weight because it's so hard on my heart to exercise? Or did the 15 pounds I've gained this year cause the cardiac issues? Am I fat because of the sludge in my blood? Or did is the sludge to blame for my inability to exercise like I used to, causing the weight gain?

Looking over the questions they ask in the first visit paperwork I am grateful for my mobility. I CAN do all of the things they asked about, but more and more I find myself avoiding things because the pain I will feel after is so bad. The number one thing that causes pain in my hips is sex. I've found myself not being as involved and enjoying it less because I'm afraid of how much I will hurt the next day. It is a vicious cycle that impacts so much more than my body...