I Watched '50 Shades of Grey' (So you don't have to)

No matter where you are in America, the "50 Shades" discussion has become unavoidable. Just yesterday, a co-worker asked (across the office) who was going to see "50 Shades of Grey" over the weekend. When the topic comes up, I tend to inwardly snicker because kink is something I've become personally interested in. In addition to my interests, I've been seeking out educational events on the topic where others can learn more about BDSM and the local kink community. Last fall we hosted an educational series with our MeetUp group that we called “50 Shades of BS.” I broke down and read the first book before going to a lecture-style meeting in a hotel conference room, then a hands-on event at a local play space. (Yes, some people still refer to places where people publicly practice BDSM as ‘dungeons’ but “play space” is certainly a less-scary and more correct term.) From there we attended other events at other play spaces in order to compare how each venue presented the topic. The fact is that I discovered BDSM before the "50 Shades" phenomenon and am among those who hated the book, but are happy to see the conversation happening in a more main stream setting. Education is powerful, and education about sexuality is greatly lacking in our puritanical culture.

After reading the book and very clearly seeing the “Twilight Fan Fiction” of it all, I was ashamed to have spent money on the purchase. The idea of spending even more money on such an awful movie was appalling. Fortunately, my daughter just happens to work at a local movie theater so all we paid for was the popcorn. She called her boss to tell him we would be coming, but made sure to explain that we were going so we could discuss it with our MeetUp group and not because we were actually interested in the movie. (And on a total ‘proud Momma’ note, My Kiddo has been coming home talking about how awful 50 Shades is. She’s been telling her co-workers that it’s abusive and dangerous, citing stories she’s read about increased ‘handcuff related’ injures since the release of the book. Did I mention how proud of her I am?)

We went to the Friday February 13th showing at 6:40 pm, the earliest we could make right after work. The crowd was about what we expected- almost exclusively couples that looked anywhere from their mid-20’s to late 50’s. We arrived around 6:20 pm and had no problem finding decent seats. The pre-previews were already going when we sat down. One of the first commercials was for Trojan brand lubricants. Then they cut to a clip of the ’50 Shades’ Trojan commercial. I immediately knew they were targeting a specific audience. The actual previews were more sappy romances including another film that was adapted from a Nicholas Sparks movie. (*Gag*)

By the time the movie started, I was already questioning just how many times I could roll my eyes before they would simply roll down the aisle. In addition to the usual theater discomfort, we had a couple of asshats in front of us that ignored the M&M’s request to turn off your phones. I was not amused.

The movie opened with images from the trailer and followed the book in a lot of respects- the perfect blondes in Mr. Grey’s office, the ridiculously awkward Anna Steele who trips as she enters his office then proceeds to exude an unprecedented level of low self-esteem, “holy cow!” and all the other bad lines from the book…“I don’t make love. I fuck. Hard.” And my personal favorite, “I’m 50 shades of fucked up!” The movie itself had a few positive things of note: condom usage, images of female pleasure, conversation about specific sex acts, safe words and limits. But the entire plot revolves around head games and other over used tropes about “romance.”

After the initial meeting in Seattle, Christian pulls stalker move #1- he shows up at the hardware store in Portland where she works. He has her help him find cable ties, tape and rope to which she remarks that he is now the perfect serial killer. He tells her, “Not today.” From there he agrees to do a photo shoot to go with the article her roommate is writing on him. They go for coffee afterwards where he places a muffin in front of her and says, “Eat.” This is where she tries to call him out on being bossy but he quickly ends the date. Outside, she is almost hit by a speeding bike messenger and he “rescues” her, holding her in his arms. She goes all doe-eyed in his embrace, but he does not kiss her and instead tells her he made a mistake and it was nice meeting her.

Anna is shown all mopey about his rejection for a day or more but then a package shows up for her. Christian has sent her 1st edition books by her favorite author. So…. He’s already said he’s not the man for her, but is giving her expensive gifts? That night, Anna and her roommate go out to a club where she proceeds to get stupid drunk. In a typical bar moment, Ana drunk dials Christian while waiting to use the bathroom. Instead of reacting like a sober adult and hanging up on her, he uses the call to track her location and shows up at the club. (Don't get me started on the lack of realism throughout the movie!) A friend of Anna’s is acting all rapey outside, trying to kiss her when Christian shows up. He pushes the guy away yelling, “She said NO!” (As though he actually understands the concept of consent!) At which point Anna vomits all over the parking lot. Sexy. The next morning Anna wakes up in Christian’s bed unsure as to how she got there. He assures her that necrophilia is not his thing and then tells her that if she were his she wouldn't be able to sit for a week. (Dun, dun, DUN!)

The theme of "no, not meaning no" repeats throughout the film. Christian repeatedly says “I don’t do romance.” Then does something romantic. Anna tells him to go away, then he shows up- in her apartment then out of state when she goes to visit her mother. And every time he shows up, she welcomes him with open arms (and open legs.) In the book, there was a lot more violent sex and a lot less actual BDSM. She cried a lot and struggled in most of the sex scenes in the book, other than her first time with him. She was a virgin until meeting him, and upon discovering this he states they are going to remedy the situation. In the movie, there were at least 2 scenes where Christian tied Anna up and used various items for sensory play including a peacock feather and a flogger, and she is shown to be in utter ecstasy each time. As a matter of fact, she is shown to welcome and enjoy every encounter in “the red room of pain” except the very last.

Some of the most cringe worthy moments were when Christian flogged Anna. Not because of the flogging, but because he repeatedly flogged her across the abdomen. That is one of the worst places to flog, whip or paddle someone for a variety of reasons. One: it hurts in a bad way, not the good way that flogging can feel on the back, thighs or even breasts. Two: internal organs! It’s such a no-no in general that the Buzzfeed video we shared with our group specifically brings it up. Why would they do it that way on screen? Because boobs! If she’d been tied up on her stomach it simply would not have been as “sexy” in Hollywood terms.

The movie also glossed over a very important issue that the book addressed- STI testing and birth control. In the book there is a detailed scene where Anna is seen by a gynecologist and is tested for STI’s then prescribed birth control pills. Prior to that, Christian uses a condom and is even shown opening the packages before intercourse. In the movie, there is a very brief moment where Anna jokes that the doctor told her she has to abstain from sexual activity for 4 weeks. Christian looks shocked, then she laughs about it and they are shown having sex again, but without the condom unwrapping. This, of course, is wrong because oral contraceptives do take at least 4 weeks before they are effective in preventing pregnancy. But hey, let’s keep it sexy and avoid anything more biologically correct than Drunk Anna telling her friends she has to “pee really bad.” Which is, of course, why the infamous tampon scene was omitted from the movie.

Another noteworthy scene was the contract negotiation. Anna insists on meeting him in his office for a formal meeting, and goes over items on the list including anal and vaginal fisting that are off the table. By this point he has given her a new laptop so she could research BDSM, but clearly she didn't do all her homework. She bashfully asks what a butt plug is just as a couple of his ‘Perfect Blondes’ walk in with wine and sushi. She exhibits some semblance of agency when he starts talking about how much he wants to bend her over the table right there but rather than giving in, she walks out of the meeting without so much as a kiss. I think this was the only part of the movie where I liked her. Even in the end when, after a particularly aggressive spanking, she pushes him away and tells him not to touch her, I was annoyed. He had talked about her safe words, but rather than calling out "RED!" as he whipped her with the belt, she cried and counted along with him. It is only in the last 5 minutes of the movie that she learns the word “No!” and uses it as she’s getting on the elevator to leave him for good. (Or so we hoped.)

Overall, the movie was not as bad as I’d imagined. Or maybe I’m so used to movies being based on similarly abusive behaviors being romanticized that it didn't stand out as being any worse than others like “Twilight” and “Beauty and the Beast,” as discussed in a great Huffington Post article I just read.  Whatever the case, the movie was like any other bad romance that makes money at the box office, but this one added the element of kink. It gives the impression that BDSM is only for screwed up individuals, like other films and TV have done in the past. Christian Grey had an abusive crack whore for a mother and was introduced to kink as a teenager by a friend of his mother. In “Secretary” the submissive is a self-harmer fresh out of the psyche ward. And on CSI, clients or employees of Lady Heather’s “Dungeon” have almost always been implicated in a murder. This is the biggest misconception about BDSM out there, and the reason that despite all the conversations about the topic spawned by 50 Shades I would recommend you save the money you might spend on the movie and instead do some research and find some real education on the topic. For less than 2 tickets and popcorn, you are likely to find a play space in your area that is doing a 101 night where you can really learn about kink and decide if it’s something you want in your bedroom.

As for the co-worker that asked who was going to see the movie this weekend, she made the remark that it’s probably a lot more fun in real life anyway. Without hesitation I chimed in, “Yep! It really is!”

Links to references:

Trojan Commercial: http://youtu.be/h-BFLlqY598 

Buzzfeed video:  http://youtu.be/kXOJb0TlK-w

Tampon Scene: http://youtu.be/iZn__5dT7qw

Huffington Post Article: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/megan-maas/love-hurts-what-we-learn-from-beauty-and-the-beast-twilight-and-fifty-shades-of-grey_b_6672742.html?ncid=fcbklnkushpmg00000046

Dear Dudes: Dick Pics

Dear Dudes,

I want to help you be more successful in your social and romantic endeavors. It seems like the old ‘Mars/Venus’ issue about how we are trained to communicate based on our gendered socialization may hold some merit. Let’s try meeting here on planet Earth. I’m going to be frank and straightforward about something that we may have learned about communication that just doesn't work. Ready?

DON’T SEND DICK PICS! 

Never, never, never, ever send dick pics.

A lot of people start this argument by stating that the penis is simply not visually aesthetic; that they just don’t like looking at them. That’s not my stance here. I rather enjoy the penis. As a matter of fact, if I were to choose the best kind of porn, it would be the kind with lots of dicks and little or no pussy. I love Dick.

But here’s the thing- unless I already have a relationship with you and your penis, I don’t want to see Dick. I don’t want Dick messaged, e-mailed, texted, or in any other way, introduced by screen. That goes for whatever you enjoy doing with Your Dick, his dimensions, his virility, his dependence on little blue pills to join the party, any Dick talk should not be going on before we've been face to face, kissed good night and made plans to do the things that involve Your Dick. Dick is welcome by invite ONLY. Stop letting Dick crash the party! Because if Dick shows up before he’s been invited, there will be no party. Period.

I've been trying to understand what it is in male socialization that compels them to send dick pics. The last time this happened, the guy that sent the picture was aware enough to immediately ask if he’s ruined our conversation. “YES!”

He apologized again and I asked, “Why did you go there? I’m genuinely interested in why that just happened.” 

He went on, still apologizing and saying that it maybe it had to do with the male ego; that he learned to do that on some dating site. He brought up the locker room issue of wanting to be “bigger, better than the other person.” But he later said, “If we all looked like the guys in porn we would still want to be bigger, better.”

It’s like a form of body dysmorphia that people simply don’t talk about. And we need to talk about it! Not only is it damaging to the men that constantly feel inferior, but the typical responses like sending dick pics only fuel the sense of objectification that women are constantly faced with. We need to demystify sex in a way that removes all the puritanical shame and allows pleasure for both parties.

The idea of male “performance” needs to be abolished. Sex should not be a performance, an act, or mimicry of pornography! Sex should be a mutually enjoyed experience where both partners actively participate in activities that have been clearly discussed as pleasurable.

It’s a long conversation that may start with a screen to screen introduction. But in the early parts of that conversation, please remember that Dick needs to stay away from the camera and save the details until we've worked our way down from the big head. I promise that’s the sexiest thing a man can do!