Straight,
bi, hetero-flexible, pan-sexual, gay…
The labels get more creative and more varied in their use the more
the conversation about sexuality and relationship styles expands. I love that
people who do not fit the binary codes of one side of the spectrum or the other
are finally finding a voice and a way of identifying themselves. I love that
this conversation is happening all around me. I love that the ‘expectations’
and norms seem to be shifting in a way that allows for people to be their true
selves and love in their own way.
I HATE all the side-taking and opposition bashing that seems to come
with deciding what to put on your “jersey.” Relationships are NOT sports and
this is not a competition. The words and language that people are using to
identify their preferences should not be used as labels to decide which team
they are on in some cross-town high school rivalry. That is the thing I see
unfolding in the comments on articles like “Am I Insane
for Wanting a Traditionally Monogamous Relationship?” and “I'm In A
Happy Polyamorous Relationship.” There seems to be a need to
vilify the “others” rather than praise people for having the courage to buck
the system and acknowledge that they don’t fit in any of the boxes that most of
us grew up with.
Boys can wear pink and play with dolls. Girls can be mechanics
and be the primary financial support in an otherwise “traditional marriage.”
People can choose to have multiple partners of any gender and work within the
boundaries of their own creation rather than the ones we inherited by more
fearful generations past. How long will it take for us to stop viewing the
world through the tribal lens of “us versus them?”
My husband and I are part of a group intended for people in
alternative lifestyles to meet socially and find a place to belong. Our friends
identify as poly, swingers, BDSM kinksters, bi, straight, pansexual and all
variations and combinations of the themes. The conversation this group has been
having a lot lately is one of spectrums and fluid identity. We use labels to
express our lifestyle and preferences to others so that they can react
appropriately. These labels are a practical necessity in any interaction. Until
very recently the accepted identities were limited to married or single, gay or
straight. OkCupid offers the option of “available” that is neither single nor
married. Facebook even has an option for “In an Open Relationship” now. Poly
people are coming out of the “Sister Wives” closet and it’s great.
When we introduce ourselves and talk about our lifestyle it usually
opens with the line that we are “not quite poly, not quite swingers” and then
we go on to clarify our own places on the spectrum of identity and relationship
style. It’s always an interesting conversation when we acknowledge that despite
the openness and alternatives to the norm that the group embodies, people still
walk in with certain preconceived notions about each other and we don’t fit
them. We look like the most hetero-normative people you could meet. My husband
is active duty with the armed forces and has the G.I. Joe meets Prince Charming
good looks that are the definition of masculinity. I have long red hair,
painted toenails, love wearing dresses and being a bit of a Princess. I
identify as strictly dickly, and he’s the hetero-flexible one in our marriage.
We came into this not as an outside endeavor, but as a shared experience. Also,
we only date men.
There have been some odd looks at these discussion groups when we
talk about our relationship style and preferences. Others members have blatantly ignored our
boundaries and pressed invitations to events that are not our thing, but that
can happen in any social setting regardless of relationship type. Recently an
acquaintance from an event we attended found us on OkCupid and said he was
surprised to see that we were looking for men. He then asked about the date we
were with the night we met that walked in on my arm and came home with us at
the end of the night. Despite seeing me between the two men all night, the idea
that the guys also interacted was just beyond him. And then he went on to say
that he thought we’d be a good match.
We have had some fun dates with men that are truly pan or bi-sexual
and lavish equal attention on us both. We have also had dates with men that
were way more into my husband but identified as straight on their profile. It
seemed like I was the accessory to their closeted desires that made it okay to
fool around with another man. And of course, we get the OkCupid messages from
downright homophobic guys that just see my picture and don’t bother reading
anything about who we are and what we are looking for. When I explain that it’s
a package deal, they get all kinds of freaked out and sometimes say derogatory
things that result in a “fuck off and block.”
We’ve yet to find as good a fit as the first boyfriend-ish guy we
were involved with as a triad of sorts for a few months, but we aren’t giving
up hope of finding another unicorn. In the process we have made some really
cool friends, some we can even cuddle up to without expectation. There are
never too many hugs in our book!
Finding that line between friendship and flirtation is a new
endeavor in a group where there are so many varieties of relationship styles.
Finding that we are an anomaly in a group that is based on accepting the
alternative lifestyles can be uncomfortable, but we are making our place in a
community that allows us to be exactly who we are, even while we are still
figuring it out for ourselves. Hopefully, the rest of the world can start
looking at those labels, not as defining boxes we should live within, but ways
to better understand those who do not live and love the same way we choose to.
In
the meantime, we are accepting that we are ‘too weird for the normal and too
normal for the weird’ and that is more common than anything we’ve found yet.
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