Someone once told me that in order to make friends as an
adult you have to all but force yourself into someone else’s life. We all have jobs
and families of our own, so making new social connections tends to fall pretty
low on the list of other “grown up” priorities. As a young Military Spouse in
Germany during the beginning of Operation Iraqi Freedom, we made connections
with other wives that were in the same place we were- on the home front of our
generation’s war. We made friends with the wives of the men our husbands were
deployed with and communicated regularly to keep each other informed of their
safety while nursing our own hearts in our camaraderie. We scheduled coffee
dates, but knew we could pick up the phone at any time and just chat about the
day to day life stuff we were dealing with.
We had small kids and some friendships started with small
talk at the bus stop that eventually led to coffee and cards during the day. We
adopted each other as family, and thanks to social media many of us are still
given glimpses into each others’ lives all these years later.
Later in life, as a single,
working mother of a teenager there were different ways of connecting. I went
back to the Open Circle (a Pagan-based church of sorts) I had attended with my
ex-boyfriend and forged new connections with people, even as the structure
unraveled from the core. People could simply invite you out for dinner, over
for a beer after work or to a friend’s backyard barbeque where you could meet
other people. Making friends in single-land was easy because I was still
looking for a partner and determined to not just sit at home alone.
Around the time of my own life
shift back into married-land, the changes in social media and how people connect
started to dramatically shift as well. In my mother’s time, you had to go out
to a bar, or hope to run into a confused cutie needing assistance checking the
cantaloupes in the produce aisle if you wanted to meet other people. Even then
you had no idea about what they liked or didn’t like, beyond cantaloupe and
corn flakes depending on their grocery cart contents. You had to gamble the
odds that they were single, available, and interested in your gender. You had
to hope they liked the same kinds of movies and wanted the same white picket
fence or dark, Gothic dungeon that you did. You had to feel things out, and
then get to know if they were a Bible Banger, a Prancing Pagan, or an
intellectual agnostic that would look at your crucifix or hippy crystals with
scorn once you made it past the first date and back to your place. You were
flying blind, but because that was the only way people kept at it and sought
out their friends and lovers face-to-face.
Online dating and social groups
such as MeetUp have changed the way people make friends. While we still hope to
start up a conversation with the cutie singing karaoke like nobody’s watching,
or that the bartender might actually want to make friends and not just tips,
the convenience of getting to know people online seems to lessen the likelihood
of those sorts of organic meetings. Why take a chance when you can view
in-depth profiles, or only go to events with other people who share your
interests before you so much as shake a hand? It feels part lazy and part
contrived. And at the same time, OkCupid and MeetUp are making for better
relationships. One study showed that couples who meet online have an increased
success when compared to those who meet organically in public places or through
friends.
I guess the question is how to
cross that digital divide into genuine friendship. With dating sites it’s
generally easy. As a female I seldom have to do more than visit a profile and
once they see I’ve seen them they send me a message. I get a lot of the “Wow!
Ur so pretty!” messages but occasionally they’ll show me they did more than see
my picture pop up before contacting me. As a female in a monogamish
relationship where we only date men and only date together the “pretty girl so
pretty” messages are clear indicators that the guy contacting me is not going
to meet us in person. When we get messages that are addressed to the two of us
that’s a sign that they did more than see boobs and hit send. Those are nice.
But like any digital contact, it’s easily dismissed unless you take the next
step to meet in person.
The other side of the coin is when
you do meet someone in person and offer that contact information to connect
online. There have been a handful of cool people we met while out and about
that we thought would become real-life friends. We took that step of being
“friended” on Facebook or FetLife, but beyond an occasional ‘like’ on a post,
there has been no further contact.
Successfully crossing that digital
divide can be done. I met my husband on OkCupid, and when we decided to go the
monogamish route we met someone we were involved with for a few months the same
way. We’ve met people at MeetUp events that have since become friends on Facebook
and FetLife, and we continue to chat online as well as make (and follow through
with!) plans to do things in real life. The obstacles that are killing us are
distance and time. All of the people we’ve connected to live at least 45
minutes away, and the only time we are both off work is the weekend. We fill
our calendar with trips to NOVA, events in DC and shows in B’more every
Saturday and most Fridays. Our weekends are awesome! But here it is on Thursday
night and I’m lonely for the days when I could just drop by a friend’s house
for a cup of coffee without needing to pencil it in.
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