Food Euphemisms

The Mr. and I were having lunch with a friend last month and our friend happened to mention a gay friend of his in a story. During the conversation, it never dawned on me that anything was awkward or uncomfortable, but when The Mr. went to the bathroom our friend said that he felt weird bringing up gay guys and felt the need to explain that he did not have any issues with it, but is straight himself. He said that he thought The Mr. had been a little flirty with him and he didn’t want anyone to get the wrong impression. I explained that The Mr. doesn’t identify as ‘bi’ or ‘gay’ or anything like that. He and I have shared experiences with another man, and he did have some encounters with men when he was single but it’s not something he would deem a lifestyle. And yes, we both flirt openly. That's not always a signal of intent.

The thought crossed my mind that a food analogy would be the best way to describe it. “Enjoying a salad from time to time doesn’t make you a vegetarian, right? So why should enjoying sexual contact with someone of the same gender make anyone gay, or even bi-sexual?”

People in general are becoming more and more open to same sex relationships, but there is still a big taboo when it comes to male-male play. We once saw an invitation for a hotel party that specifically mentioned that there would be male-male play. The Mr. was so intrigued by the necessity of that addendum that he replied to the host asking why the notation was added. The response was along the lines that people are sometimes put off by male-male interactions in a group setting and the host felt the need to warn those who might be uncomfortable so they might choose to skip this particular gathering. I thought that the sex-positive, poly/swinger scene would be more open to all kinds of sexual expression, but it seems that male-male play is still taboo even there.

On the other side of the male-male play taboo there seems to be an assumption that females in the poly/swinger lifestyle are universally interested in female-female play. It’s a common thing that couples come into the lifestyle to fulfill her interest in other women sexually, while indulging the male fantasy of having two women at once. I feel like an anomaly in that I have no interest in any contact with another woman sexually. I barely tolerate other females socially at this point in life, so the idea of trusting one enough to get naked with is out of the question. I’ve tried it and it wasn’t for me. As a female in this community saying I don’t like pussy is akin to exclaiming ‘I hate bacon!’ Unless you’re surrounded by vegetarians you’re going to get some weird looks.

Food analogies seem to be the best way for The Mr. and me to describe how this part of our life works. We say that our relationship is the perfect meal. We are fully nourished and satisfied with each other. All of our needs are met, and if we never got naked with anyone else, nothing would be lacking. However, desert is always a nice treat! We agree that sometimes a little something sweet is nice to share. On that same note, I don’t like raspberries but the Mr. does. We both like cheesecake, so the agreement is that we only ‘order cheesecake.’ In that way, it seems a little less unfair and a lot more about sharing a treat we both enjoy, together.

We’ve heard people say that they are poly because one person shouldn’t be expected to meet all of another person’s needs. To me, it sounds like they crave a more varied menu than any one chef can prepare. Good for them if they are open to that sort of culinary adventure. I think that a big part of why The Mr. and I work so well together is that we both want the same deep level of attachment and familiarity with each other. Euphemistically speaking, we prefer our home-cooked meals but enjoy going out for desert together when the craving strikes.

As always, we find ourselves in ‘The Middle Layer‘ of things. The filling is as sweet as ever, but some days it seems that the frosting is all the rest of the world has on the menu.