Banana Bread

That was my win for yesterday... otherwise, it was total emotional cluster fuck. As My Mr. put it, “A perfect storm” for my anxiety. 

My usual pre-discussion stage fright turned into full blown anxiety on the drive down. Traffic was awful due to random thunder storms and I knew I was going to be late to my own event. 

In the throes of it all, My Mr. mentioned that he’d spent all day chatting with the Boston Girl that messaged him on OkC the day before. Initially when he told me about her, I felt a touch of compersion, excitement even that he was making a friend. I encouraged him to reply to her. But then he handed me his phone, telling me that he couldn’t remember her name and to look for the first message. As soon as I saw her picture my claws came out. I immediately wanted to punch her in the throat because she’s... cute, and younger than me, and thin... Totally my own insecurities flaring up, but in the moment I was unable to talk myself down and instead swallowed it all and tried not to ruin my eye make-up.

The saving grace in that moment was that Jersey and I were texting for most of the drive. Even that is bittersweet given the way I’ve gotten my hopes up about seeing him only to have them dashed over and over again. I get it and know where his intent is, but it’s frustrating to finally meet someone with a brain in his head that’s good looking. Even more, he seems to be actually interested in my brain first and any potential for more is just an afterthought. At this point, he’s in the running with McT for the longest time “saying” we’ll get a drink but never actually having said drink.

We arrived at discussion 10 minutes past the start time and the entire group (all friends and people we know well) were cuddled up on the couch. I got a few hugs and My Mr. went to get food. Of course I soon realized that he had the memory stick in his pocket with the videos I needed. He turned around and brought it back to me, but of course it wasn’t compatible with The Host’s TV. So I frantically worked with him to get the videos to play... 

The last people to show walked in while we did a test video. And that’s when my nightmare really started. The last time this couple came, she just rubbed me the wrong way. I tried to blame it on the accent and the beret, but this time she was even more pretentious (and wearing a different, color coordinated beret) and brought along a European friend who was equally pretentious. Their comments made me feel totally invalidated for even choosing the topic, and then they proceeded to take things into a far more academic direction than my discussions go in. Add a side of therapy time where she made one friend cry (in a totally positive way, but still) and it was my worst nightmare. I know that everyone else walked away having enjoyed the night, but by the time we were done I was ready to fall over.

I closed the formal portion of the night and fled to the kitchen to devour the food My Mr. had brought. There was more laughter and conversation around me, but I just wanted to climb into my salad and disappear. I got lots of praise for the banana bread I brought, several warm goodbye hugs but stayed wound in a knot the entire time. It wasn’t until it was just me and The Host in the kitchen that I lost it. He asked if I was okay. (Worst thing ever when I’m trying to act okay but I’m not.) And he called me out on faking it. That’s when the tears welled up. They didn’t stop for the rest of the night and even while writing this I’m getting another lump in my throat.

The worst part of it all is knowing that all of the insecurities and negative thoughts are completely invalid. I know that I’m a valued member of the community (another topic we talked about at length last night) and that My Mr. loves me exactly the way I am. I know that I have cheerleaders and supporters that want to see me continue on my path as a coach and that people truly appreciate the safe space I create when I host events. I know I am enough. But in these moments I don’t know how to feel better. 

Tomorrow night is the Truth or Dare party, so I need to get on the mend and get it together. I know the happy shiny is still in me. It always is. I just need to dig it out so I can have fun and not ruin anyone else’s good time tomorrow.