Sex and Breakfast

Meals have always played a major role in socializing, bonding and general human connection. Dating most traditionally involves going out for a meal then an activity of sorts. The type of meal can signify the intent of the interaction or the stage of the relationship. Going out for coffee is a non-committal ‘getting to know you’ before deciding if a full-blown meal would be enjoyable. Going for happy hour is another step in that evolution. This means, we will have booze and lower our inhibitions but still not sit alone at a table and try to master the art of conversation while our meals get cold.

Actually having a meal together is another level. We are at a table and the only other person that we will speak to is our server. Unlike the random drunk beside us at the bar, the waitress’s interruptions will primarily involve our menu choices and the ever-crucial desert decision. That weird drunk guy at the bar… he will interrupt or butt into the conversation to talk about the game on TV, make small talk, or even attempt a solid cock block from time to time. Point being- dinner at the table is more defined. It’s not until the 2nd or 3rd meal together that people will start to learn a balance between talking and the eating laced with comfortable silence. That’s how you know you may be forming something.

From the ‘going out meals’, people move into the ‘dinner at my place’ which for most women is code for, “I’ve decided I want to fuck you.” My personal hierarchy when I was single was a little different. I wouldn’t cook for anyone I hadn’t slept with yet. I also wouldn’t go down on a guy that I hadn’t had intercourse with. It was always my belief that I needed to know that he would take proper care of me before I would spoil him whether with fellatio or fettuccine.

The hook-up culture we have begun evolving into doesn’t often follow any of these rules. There aren’t always the ‘getting to know you’ coffee, drinks, dinner type of dating associated with having sex with someone once, or even on an on-going basis. The “friends with benefits” style is becoming more common and more mainstream. I seemed to do that a lot in my married-and-cheating days, as well as in my single life. It was less complicated and there weren’t the same labels and expectations of ‘dating’ and having a ‘boyfriend.’

In our “not poly, not swinger, non-monogamous” adventure, we have discussed the ‘label’ and the ‘relationship’ with The Mad Scientist mostly in deep, intimate talks and once in a drunken Facebook chat. How do we define the relationship with a guy who is not bi but will play with the Mr.? Who we have drinks and dinner out with, but also have movie nights and cards in with? Who drives an hour to hang out with us, but leaves most mornings before coffee? A guy who we have gone to events with and the check gets split in half but sometimes the server puts me on The Mr.’s tab, and sometimes on The Mad Scientist’s?

We talk about him when he’s not here, and discuss all the self-exploration his presence brings into our marriage. We worry about him when he seems exceptionally stressed out, or when he’s sick and we know that he doesn’t have anybody there to take care of him. We both like his dick. We both have fun hanging out with him and listening to his stories about growing up with brothers in the south. We all three have a blast watching bad B-movies and playing MST3K over beer and pretzels. We aren’t having sex with anybody else, and until recently it had been inferred that he was also flying solo between our visits.

This weekend he showed up with a hickey; a deep, purple, unmistakable mark on the side of his neck. He’d mentioned plans a couple nights during the week, but was non-specific about it. What he chooses to share or not is only our business if it involves a prescription. But being a crazy chick first and a grown-up second, I did have a moment of irrational jealousy when I first noticed it. I’ll own that.

The funny thing was that the next morning while The Mr. and I were making breakfast, The Mad Scientist walked into the kitchen with an odd look on his face. His tone was almost accusatory as he pointed to his neck and asked what that was all about. My reply was genuine belly laughter as I told him he had shown up with it the night before. He had no idea it was there, and started texting the chick he’d gone out with while The Mr. and I finished breakfast. I made the remark that I don’t mark anything that’s not mine, and that it’s just bad social tact to mark anyone without long hair like that. Apparently she texted The Mad Scientist and said that she’d just been ‘lovingly sucking on his neck.’

My reply, “Sweetie, lovingly sucking happens below the neck…”

We’d talked about the date and that he really liked her. He said that she was the first single woman he’d met recently and been interested in. That was a point of validation for me in a way. Part of me had wondered how much of things were about the novelty and friendship we’d all established verses the actual interest in me in that way. It was somewhere between that conversation and the boundary pushing experiment with The Mr. that any hint of catty girl-brain jealousy had been replaced with genuine happiness that The Mad Scientist had met someone cool that lives closer to him than we do.

The hickey brought up the question of how to proceed if he does take things further with her. The Mad Scientist wanted full disclosure and asked me what my thoughts on it were. Again, I repeated my policy of ‘Unless it involves a prescription, it’s not my business.’ We talked about our recent physicals and that everything came back okay for us both. There was a little more detailed ‘grown up talk’ about condom use and scheduling. She is apparently part of the ‘Kink Community’ which implies a non-traditional approach that may allow for continued open non-monogamy on his part. He said that she knows about us but being that it’s so early in things that he’s not sure where it’s going. On top of that, he has to leave the country this summer for work. He said he’s not sure how that will go with her, and that he wouldn’t expect her to wait for him or anything like that.

The thing that took me by surprise a little was that he had disclosed to his employer in some manner that he is “in a relationship with a couple.” There are many other euphemistic ways of expressing the situation that would have kept him in the clear in terms of disclosing ‘risky behaviors’ or other things that could jeopardize clearances if found out second hand. To me, the term “in a relationship” means that we matter to him, which is something we had questioned in a way. We had wondered if we were putting more emphasis on things because of it being our first experience with non-monogamy. We wondered, and never got a clear answer on how he views this. Would he refer to me/us as ‘friends with benefits’? Or maybe call me a ‘girlfriend’ in conversation? Either way, we matter enough to disclose not only to the employer but to the girl that gave him the hickey.

On the same note, we have talked about plans for our birthdays which fall in the same zodiac shortly after he will be back at home. Not that we are ‘committing’ to anything, because that’s not what this is about. But I think it says a lot about the kind of connection we have formed and it makes me happy.

There were so many things about this weekend that validated and solidified things in my marriage and in our relationship with The Mad Scientist…

All of this started because I was thinking about the evolution of meals and relationships. This weekend was the first time The Mad Scientist stayed, not only for coffee but for breakfast. We had bacon, eggs and chocolate chip pancakes.

Sex and breakfast is a step in that evolution that seems to add a little more familiarity and bonding no matter what a relationship is called. For now, we’ll just call it “Awesome!”