“I’m either being really brave or really stupid!”

That was my battle cry before taking action in the past. I’m either being really brave, or really stupid but here goes! And off I went. Into action.

What dawned on me today is that just by taking action and going after what I wanted in life I was being brave. No matter the end result, the only thing that would have been stupid was letting my fears stop me from doing or saying something important and taking a chance. I took that chance coming half way across the country with My Mr. after only a few months together, and I can only imagine how stupid I would have been to stay in Texas in my little apartment, my little job and my little, lonely life. I pushed all my fears aside and just jumped.

Along the line I lost that fearlessness.

When we decided to take the path of non-monogamy I jumped in head first and let the feels happen. It scared me to death to face the fact that not only was I having sex with another man with my husband, but we were spending time together and I started to have feelings for him. I would think about him when we weren’t together and look forward to our next date. And then he disappeared on us. And I was stupid.

The last time we saw The Mad Scientist, I’d been brave and talked about the logistics of him seeing another woman and how much I enjoyed the time I had with him. Or at least that’s how I remember it. And in exchange for my bravery, I got silence. At first it was just delayed responses, then monosyllabic messages and before I even realized what was happening he was gone and I was hurt. And I didn’t know what happened. 

Did I come on too strong over breakfast? Was he just not that into me/us? Did it all mean so little to him that he moved on without even saying goodbye? 

And the spinning brain just never stopped… For a long time! When we would go up to the city, part of me would be on the look-out for his spiked hair and bright shirts. And then there’s the fucking Journey song! One of those songs that’s played on every radio station at least 10 times a day. The opening chords would cause me to reflexively change the station lest I get fully into my head about that awesome night we spent singing along to that song at the piano bar. There weren’t that many nights, but they were all great…

I was stupid then. Rather than reaching out and saying, “What the fuck, dude? I’m having the feels over here and I miss you!” I just shut down. And wallowed. And closed myself off lest someone else give me a case of the feels like that. 

For the last 2 years I’ve struggled to open up again and be brave enough to let someone new in. My Mr. and I shifted things a little so that my dating solo is an option, though the ultimate goal is still the triad. Nobody that came across my OkCupid page, or anywhere else for that matter, was really interesting enough to get my attention. There didn’t seem to be anything out there worth taking down my walls for, and in here with My Mr. I feel safe so why bother? I know better, but still that feeling persists.

Last week I was brave when I saw The Mad Scientist had visited my OkCupid profile. Rather than reflexively scrolling past his photo or trying to sour grape things in my mind I clicked on it. Then I sent a message. “How’s life been treating you? Hope all is well!” Nothing too deep or heavy.

He replied with a long message about life stuff and ended it with “We should do dinner!” So a couple nights ago, we did.

I sat mostly silent while he and My Mr. talked about work stuff, his travels and the renovations he’s doing on his new condo. I fluctuated between feeling like a deer in headlights, and being genuinely disinterested in the conversations they were having. But I didn’t want the night to end too quickly so I ordered dessert and picked at it while they chatted. It was the end of the night that made the spinning start again. We hugged then made eye contact as he walked away. I thought I saw something there, but as usual with him I second guessed my impressions. I sent a text message that would go unanswered until I messaged on OkCupid saying, “Not sure if you got my text but it was great seeing you again!”

My attempts at flirting via text message that afternoon were met by seemingly neutral responses, but again I’m questioning things… And I’m being stupid by letting my brain keep spinning rather than just sending him a message:

“Hey! So I really liked what we were doing before and I’d like to do it again… but this time with just the two of us sometimes. And my offer to bring you lasagna was my way of saying that I’d like to come up to your place and watch a bad movie on your couch with your arm around me. I’m not sure if you’d like that, but I figure best to just ask and risk rejection than to sit around and hope you reply sometime.”

It really is better to risk rejection and be direct than to let it eat at me like this. But I’m still not sure I’m brave enough yet…