The Domestic Standard

During the interview yesterday, the reporter posed a scenario where she had asked her boyfriend to do the dishes and he didn't and she was mad about it. She said just because they talked about her feelings does not mean that the dishes got done... I'm trying to wrap my brain around that exactly. It was like she was trying to equate processing of jealousy and the actions of one's partner that might provoke jealousy to domestic disputes over the "right way" to fold the towels.

One response that came to mind was that dishes are not feelings. They are an object with defined states of "done" or "not done." So trying to compare the 2 was like comparing apples and asparagus.There is never a "DONE" when dealing with emotions, only a new level of understanding and acceptance.

But then I really thought about it... Dishes being "done" is a subjective thing. One person's "done" could be that the dishes are all loaded into the dishwasher and ready to be run. Another's "done" could be hand-washed, dried and put away while another's could simply mean that the dishes had found their way into the kitchen and are soaking in the sink.

The real issue in her scenario is that people have different standards of what "done" is and that those whose standards do not line up need to find ways to understand and negotiate those differences. It's not fair for the person with the higher cleaning standard to get angry just because the other party did not do a chore they were asked to do (or did not do it to their standard). It is the responsibility of each partner to assess the importance of those standards and find ways to meet in the middle when things are not quite in line. My Mr. is a bit of a fanatic about the kitchen, while I can not stand a full laundry basket. I *generally* take care of my own dishes, and he *mostly* gets his clothes into the basket and then helps put away what I fold. Neither chore is more important or better than the other and the end result is clean dishes and clean underpants. Everybody wins.

That was one of the things about me and My Mr. that we knew right away; our standards of living- how clean the kitchen should be, how much of a science experiment the bathroom could turn into, how often the floors should be vacuumed, etc were pretty close to being in line.

When we first got together he was in the kitchen with me while I cooked a meal. As I would use an item, he would hand-wash it and place it in the drain rack for me. After a few times of this he asked if it bothered me. I was baffled at this question, having lived with men in the past who's idea of clean meant that the Coke cans all made it off the coffee table before bed. He relayed that his ex would get upset if he cleaned behind her because it felt like he was putting down her cleanliness. He also relayed what the general state of her home was like, and well... *ew*

A key element in a successful relationship is the domestic standard. Learning how to work within each others ideas of what "clean" means, what "bedtime" means and what "financially secure" means can make the difference between a relationship where you recognize and respect each others' standards and one where you are constantly angry over the dishes in the sink.