Why, Cupid.. Are boys that dumb?

So here's the story about the date Sunday and some other grump and beer fueled angst:

The guy we went out with on Sunday has firmed up the nickname Rock... mostly from his screen names but also from the fact that when we went on that first date last year I remember thinking he was kind of dumb. He's not at all, but more on that later.

Let me backtrack and focus more on the super awesome that was the visit from BF1. After a day of lounging around just relaxing he went to the BBQ that brought him up our way initially, then he came back and stayed over. We snuggled up on the couch watching bad reality TV for awhile before we both started to doze off. My Mr. got the spare bedding and then BF1 planted the kiss on me. He has this thing he does where he will stay in a cuddle-buddy place with his energy that boarders on platonic up until the last moment. That moment is usually the goodbye kiss, but sometimes it's the goodnight. My Mr. just stood back really enjoying the scene, then attempted to have me invite BF1 to bed. We were both genuinely sleepy, so I made clear that there would only be 2 of us getting naked and so ended that part of the night.

The next morning I put on my jammies and had my coffee on the couch with BF1. It was then that he broached the topic of the end of the night, before I was caffeinated enough to do so on my own. I was concerned that he might feel a sense of rejection given that I walked away from such a passionate kiss like I did. He was direct in saying that he's unsure about getting into bed with us again and that he really enjoys the cuddles and energy as it is now. (Or something to that effect. Beer is good!)

When BF1 left Sunday morning we had another embrace and I told him that I may not see the whole picture, but what I do see is a wonderful, loving man that deserves better than the women he has been involved with lately. If I didn't say the words, I was saying that I love him and want to see him happy. It was a great visit and we (me and My Mr.) both hope for more of that soon.

Sunday evening was the date with Rock. The back story is that the 3 of us went out once last year while we were still involved with The Mad Scientist. Rock & My Mr. hit it off so well that at one point I was toying with the idea of suggesting that the 2 of them date each other without me. The without me part was because on that 1st date there was beer, pool and kisses but I just didn't feel "it" that night. In retrospect, I was having 'the feelings' for The Mad Scientist and not open to anything else. The ooey-gooeys tend to do that: give me blinders and make me less inclined to seek anything more.

We met for drinks at a place My Mr. and I had gone to a few times when we first moved here. Immediately the conversation was easy and comfortable. We talked about everything from the heavy stuff that Rock is going through dealing with a suicidal father, parenting teenagers, fetish events, and more than once words like "cock" came out loudly enough that the table beside us was giving us sideways glances. (To which we all chuckled and said, "Well, we're now somebody's story!")

The most impressive thing about Rock was that he was direct enough to simply ask the question of what brought us back there after a year. And I was able to honestly answer that I was the one not feeling the chemistry because of the thing with The Mad Scientist and that I felt that I and we were in a different place and wanted to see where things might lead.

At the end of the night, I was the one to initiate the kiss with Rock to make clear that I *DID* feel the chemistry after our evening. Of course we had already put out the invite for a 3rd date this weekend for a wine tasting thing we're doing...

Like any good date, there was immediate follow up. And that's where my angst comes in. The flirty messages have been more sexually driven than would be acceptable in a straight, monogamous, M/F dating thing at this point. Monday it was the message about dreaming about being naked with us both. Today is was something about Rock having a little ED but that he does fine with his little blue pills.  -_-

If he were the first guy to jump straight to the sex it would be one thing, but he's probably the 286th to do so.. Not that we've had nearly that many dates the last year, but just in the messages on OkC alone guys tend to go straight for boner-land.

Quite literally while writing this I got a message on OkC from a cute bearded boy who opened by asking if we were on FetLife. I said yes, continued the conversation and he asked again. Anyone on FetLife knows that it's just Facebook with boobs and an expressway to boner-land in itself. He was cute and lives far enough away that there is no chance of meeting him so I gave him the profile and said, "You just became part of my blog."

So here I am at the bottom of a snake bite (Guinness and cider... Yum!) wondering this: Why do guys think it is okay to bring sex into the conversation right away with us? If it were a straight, monogamous-type dating thing a guy would (seemingly) know better than to talk about his junk and what specific type of sex he was or was not interested in. But in this situation we have been advised of everything from a guy's curiosity about anal sex, their ED and little blue pills, their interest or lack thereof in giving or receiving oral sex from a guy and all often before the 1st date... I'm just inebriated enough I can't think of other specifics, but the theme of the messages has so often skipped all the "person" things and jumped right into the penis things that it just frustrates us both to no end.

Exactly one guy has done it right so far... T-Rex messaged us awhile back and as a passing comment said he identifies as straight but has been known to be heteroflexible in the right fun situations. From there he asked about meeting for drinks, and we did about 2 weeks ago. It was one of the first dates we've been on where we ended the night wondering if he liked us. The (very) few dates we've been on this last year have started more on the note of "will we like him" and ended with us reminding ourselves that no matter how it goes we're still getting laid at the end of the night so there's no such thing as a truly bad date.

T-Rex was younger than we've gone out with (26 to our 35 and 40), and I'm sure that had a lot to do with it. Not to mention how ridiculously cute he is, in his own quirky way. We seem to have a thing for quirky. The Mad Scientist was partly dubbed as such due to his Albert Einstein-like hair style and fondness of brightly colored shirts. T-Rex's quirk is his beard. He has a "regular" haircut and a 9-5 job with a long red beard that is about to have its own 1st birthday party.
 
Due to work/life/schedules we haven't seen T-Rex since that night, but his after-date message confirmed that it was in fact a date-date and that there is interest. He said, "So I just want to put it out there that I have never dated a couple like this, so I would love it if you guys could take the lead as it were :)" and then "For my part I'm still interested in going beyond just friends, but would like to get to know you guys more." And THAT is how it's done!

Alas, boys are dumb even when they are over 40 and come off in conversation as emotionally mature, honest and easy to be around.

And now for the question of it all: WHY?

My Mr. suggested that it's because guys that are "flexible" like that have been around the gay circles and divert to the male-male style of interaction that a friend recently discussed with us. Our older, Bi, nudist friend said that when he went to gay sex clubs there was no negotiation, no talking, no real conversation. He said that guys would come up and touch you and you either touched back or turned away. The end. He relayed one specific story when only got verbal requests after repeatedly moving away from a particular younger guy that wanted to blow him. After much pleading by the boy and our friends desire to alleviate his hard-on so he could walk out of the club, they finally hooked up. Our friend said that he had never had a condom put on his penis so stealthily (yay for safer sex!) but it really was just an alternative to masturbating for him at that point of the night.

There was one guy that we had a date planned with who tossed in his possible curiosity but lack of experience with anal sex into the conversation out of the blue just a couple days before we were supposed to go out for drinks.  My Mr. was the one to send the message expressing, very tactfully, that it was not cool and we cancelled the date. That guy responded that "It was an unfortunate combination of nervous energy, reading the 100s of questions on OkC and not having that common sense filter after being married for so many years." I almost wanted to still go out with that one after such a genuine response. Almost.

I wonder if it's an online dating thing that did happen when I was single and I've forgotten? Or if it's the "they are non-monogamous so they must be kinky nymphos... I should tell them about my cock" line of thinking? Once again, I just don't get it.

On that note. Beer is good. And T-Rex is about to get a Facebook message.

A Screen For Every Moment

That is what the ad outside the electronics store said: A screen for every moment. And all I could do was roll my eyes and acknowledge the way that all of this marketing is fueling our device addicted society. People are no longer LIVING life, they are Instagramming and Facebooking it as a means of receiving validation by way of "Likes" and "Followers". There is no amount of hi-def, photo shopped filtered technology that can make these screens true reality, but its come so close that most people can no longer discern one from the other. It upsets me to no end when I see small children being wheeled around in strollers holding little screens with bright, shiny simulations of life that are more interesting than the actual real life around them. People do not look UP anymore. Their "Life" fits in the palm of their hands and no human body that may also be moving in their path is important enough to acknowledge. They might miss a tweet if they put their devices down long enough to make eye contact, smile, or simply say "Excuse me" as they pass by. Being "connected" has made it so much harder to actually connect.

Where is this all coming from? A few things:

1. BF1 came up for a visit after having not seen him in months. We played a card game, ate a home-cooked meal together, cuddled on the couch and had the kind of deep conversations that foster a sense of trust and bonding between people. It was AWESOME! And then...

2. We went to the mall and true to the usual mall experience I was filled with an immediate disgust for "humanity" before we even parked the car. All leggings, Ugg Boots and sparkly clothing aside, the general demeanor of people in this setting enrages and horrifies me every time, no matter how often we see it. It was like walking through a hoard of Zombies to get through the food court and into the specific department store we were going to for a specific item. Even those without devices in hand walked with their heads down and eyes glazed over without realizing that their were other people who were also walking in the same area. People would stop suddenly, turn in unexpected patterns and generally behave as though they were completely alone in this crowded space. The level of self-centeredness exhibited in such places, in my opinion, is just a reflection of the way that people have decided that their lives are only as big as the screens they view them on and all other living, breathing bodies are merely inconveniences they encounter between status updates.

And 3. Despite my own lack of a "smart phone" I'm feeling myself becoming addicted to the screens. I was sitting in the bathroom (TMI, sorry) and the thought came to me that I am spending too much time scrolling news feeds, flipping through channels and otherwise seeking digital stimulation rather than doing actual THINGS. I cooked an amazing Southwester mac and no-cheese casserole yesterday. I did the laundry, vacuumed the house and cleaned the bathroom. We played a card game we'd heard about and talked about personal revelations and processing and reflected on how far we have come since this time last year... But as soon as BF1 was out the door I was back on my laptop, mindlessly scrolling through Tumblr. There are new gemstones in my beading kit collecting dust. (I started making bracelets a few months ago.) There is a great book I started weeks ago on my nightstand that has a only shifted to make room for my water bottle at night. ("Middlesex" by Jeffry Eugenides) There are little piles of paperwork that needs to be filed or shredded accumulating in the sun room... But what do I do with my time off? I log on and tune out and it's not okay.

This winter has been long and cold. Technically it's actually Spring at last but we're expecting yet another storm early next week. I'm still gaining weight and wishing it would get warm enough to go out walking on the trail by my house..

And the most ironic part is that technology is allowing me the opportunity to type this out as I process it rather than scribbling it down in another notebook. There will be no ink stains on my hands when I am done. Being a left-handed writer who has been journaling since long before the MySpace days I am all too familiar with the down side of putting it down on paper the 'old fashioned way.' Firefox catches any misspellings that may make me look less articulate than I might, and I know that a simple "ctrl+C" and "ctrl+V" will allow me to transfer this from my Tumblr to my blog and then back again.

I am not begrudging technology, but lamenting the behaviors surrounding it and admitting that even I have had too much "screen time" and not enough "face time" as of late. So it's time to wake my napping Mr. and prepare for our date with... *ugh* I'm so bad at thinking of nicknames for people... our date with a guy we went out with once last year who we decided was worth another shot. If it goes well I'll come up with a nickname for him.

One last thing. This is what I posted on my Facebook earlier this weekend that sums up a lot of the topic for me:

I am not "connected" like most people in the world are today. I still text in 10 key on my flip phone and prefer face-to-face conversation (when possible) to digital communication. Technology can be great, but I hate the 'addicted to the screen' behaviors that people often exhibit. I refuse to be a slave to technology...

That said, I always wonder if people think I'm rude or a bad friend for not posting on a wall on a birthday or for not "liking" an important, life-event kind of status. I know I'm not great at staying in touch with those not right here in my day-to-day life anymore but I just want to be sure that it's clear that it's not personal, it's just that I truly try to stay so busy living life that I don't always take the time to pull out a device to document and share it with the world. I'm still working on being totally present in present time, as my mother might say, but those who are not part of my world in this moment will always be part of my heart, my path and my story. My Mr.once told me that it seems I never truly lose friends but that everyone just orbits around me in their own path, coming close for a moment then circling around again another time. I like that imagery...

That status update got 23 likes and 13 comments. *Sigh*

Party Naked

It's been over a week since the "Socially Nude" party we attended, but it was such a big milestone that I really wanted to write about it all.

.. and then life happened. Food poisoning happened. Hair coloring happened. A night at the more local gay bar happened. A masquerade happened. And today a snow day happened during which My Mr. did his research thing and enrolled me in school to finally start working towards a job I will not hate. *Deep breath*

The party was at the same home as the Halloween party and we'd run into the host, Sel several times over the past few months at other groups' events. His friend The Brit answered the door and said that the host was still showering. True to the theme of the night, Sel came downstairs completely nude within minutes of our arrival.

My Mr. and I had gone through "wardrobe options" together before the drive down including my black silky boy shorts and the black, zipper adorned vest that he wore to our first Kink-ish event. I didn't want to injure his confidence any further, but when he walked out in that ensemble at home I instinctively burst out in "Y-M-C-A" complete with the arm movements. We knew that Sel had invited members of his "Men's Groups" (aka, gay groups) and were all about trying to look a little less hetero-normative than usual but it was too much. We for opted for the standard undergarments with jeans and casual tops.

The bacon wrapped jalapenos I made for the group where we first met Sel were so well received that he suggested I bake them there. I waited until the 1st batch was out of the oven and we'd each had a mojito before disrobing partially.

The first step was to strip down to my tank top (no bra), lace thong and knee-high socks. My Mr. also shed his first layer and joined me in a tank top and boxer briefs. By that part of the night several other guests were in various stages of undress... a couple in silky robes and panties, a gaggle of gay men fully nude, a girl we'd met at the previous weekend's card game in her bra & panties and JB (the host of that same card night) in just a pair of briefs. The "outfit" of the night was The Brit who, in keeping with his Brittishness wore a bow tie connected to his briefs with a single suspender. There were also a variety of cock rings, ball weights and piercings on display.

Everyone was quite social and open to introducing themselves. One gay couple in particular spent a lot of time chatting up My Mr. and flirting while talking about the Gay Nudist parties they host on a quarterly basis. They remarked that they wouldn't have issue with me coming to one, but those "Other Bitches" would cause too much drama over it..

The night at The Gay Bar did introduce me to a little of the binary, exclusionary structure of that scene, but a whole new level of understanding came from this night that will be its own rant eventually.

Another noteworthy moment came in the kitchen while I was waiting for the 2nd batch of jalapenos to come out. The "dressing area" was the breakfast nook off the kitchen so anyone that showed up walked through the kitchen to disrobe. A mid-20-something guy who introduced himself and immediately started conversation opened by telling me that I was the first naked woman he had ever been in the same room with. "Gold Star Gay," he said.

Eventually the party became like any other party except for the whole no pants thing. I've been known to be less-than shy, but for My Mr. this was ground-breaking, life-changing level of liberation and it was AWESOME.

One of the concerns voiced before the party was the whole "what if I get an erection?" thing. I only recall seeing one obvious erection all night, and My Mr. did admit to getting a little stiff watching JB massage my shoulders.

At the end of the night the guy from the kitchen thanked me for being his first and stated that I had "popped his cherry." Another cute remark about more next time was made, and I used the term "Fabulous" as I tend to do. It was then that a snarky quip from half of the gay couple we had been hanging out with really hit a nerve. I was asked why I used that term and replied that I have used it for ages. Someone else said, "Oh, yeah… she must watch LOGO TV." It took me a minute to get the reference because though I was aware there was a "Gay Network" I didn't know the name if it off-hand. It felt like I was being called/looked at as just some Fag Hag at a party with my gay husband.

The binary model of thinking that bi-sexuals or anyone else that identifies as belonging to the gray area between the preferences are just deluding themselves because they are afraid of picking a side really runs deep across both sides of the spectrum and it really frustrates me.

All that said, the party was great and we're looking into a nudist resort as a vacation spot for sometime this summer.